Rubbish blogger

Well, it would appear that I have been neglecting my faithful old blog. How evil of me. I guess I have been leaving it alone because I felt I had nothing to say - I look at the fantastic posts on Andre's blog, and the wit and wisdom of FB's blog and feel like my life isn't really up to blogging. I have been doing a lot of celebrating too - now that my friend is cancer free. I found that episode really difficult to deal with and it has put my life back into perspective. Well it had anyway. I am a lot more laid back with things now, and I appreciate the true value of my family and friends. I however, find that I am hating myself and what I am doing to my body. I have stopped exercising - because I can't be bothered and at the same time have increased my intake of junk food, which is leading to the inevitable weight gain. I have put on 15lbs in the year since me and LP got together. I looked at my body last night and felt like a lump of lard - I felt so unattractive it was horrific. LP assures me that I look fine and sexy and I am loved regardless - but it doesn't really help. I know that no one can do anything about it except me - am just unsure how to get myself out of this self destructive cycle and do something about it. There doesn't seem to be time to exercise, nor is there room in the house to be leaping about doing dvd's. I don't want to stop eating out - LP and I enjoy our meals out and LP deserves to be treated well. I feel... I don't really know how to articulate what I feel. I guess you could call it the blues (isn't that an Elton John song?). I don't think that I am clinically depressed...yet. If I carry on the way I am going then I wil be, and I don't want to turn to drugs for assistance with my moods. Somehow that seems like admitting weakness. I know it isn't but thats the way it feels. Things are not being helped by the fact that my Grandfather is currently in hospital. He is a very old man, but still physically and mentally fit and able. Well he was, until he fell over on Wednesday and ended up in hospital. As he was getting better he tried to get out of bed unassisted on Saturday and fell over again in hospital connecting with the hospital bed behind him and giving himself a nasty cut. I think some of his illness is concussion, but he doesn't seem to be coming out of it - so the family is in dissaray at the moment. I am trying to be strong to support my Mother - but at the same time trying to deal with seeing this man I love very much reduced to a shadow of himself. The Nursing staff and the Consultant seem to be very good though which is a relief. I don't know what we'd do if he was in a rubbish care environment. The hospital he is in does not have a good reputation for care - but so far Grandfather seems to be recieving excellent care. Mother did have one run in with a Nurse, but she was from another ward and was curt and unhelpful while my Mother tried to deal with her father pissing himself! Talk about unfriendly! Grandfather seems to be eating well, which is a good sign. The doctors are very concerned about him though, and in his current condition there is no way he would be able to care for himself at home as he has been doing. I am off visiting him tonight which I am dreading. I hate hopsitals at the best of times, but seeing my Grandfather there apparently deteriorating not recouperating just breaks my heart, which, selfishly I could really do without at the moment. It doesm't help that I am not sleeping properly at the moment. It is better when LP is with me, but I just lie awake listening to LP's steady breating. At least with LP in my arms it enables me to relax some, but I am not getting proper rest. I feel like a complete zombie. I haven't told LP all this - in fact I haven't talked about it to anyone. I know that bottling things up will only cause me more problems in the long run, but I don't know who to turn to. I know all this stuff is petty and pathetic compared to other peoples problems, but I really don't know what to do for the best. I think the first step for me should be doing something physical. Maybe this will affect me on a number of levels - tire me out for sleep, help with my weight gain and release some natural happy chemicals into my brain. I just need to get myself motivated. And stop making excuses, and stop procrastinating.
Hmmm