Waking the Dead

Dear Angela-la

I went to the Chapel of Rest last night to see Granddad. The Funeral Directors we are using are old family friends, which is nice. I don't know why I needed to see Granddad this way, but I think it has to do with putting things back into perspective, making sure he was at peace, and, well, just seeing a dead body for the first time. I read a lot and read about death, how it affects these fictional characters all the time - but I have not had to deal with a lot of death myself (fortunately). So, Mum, Dad, Diane and Me piled into the car to give Granddad his final visit before the funeral. Mum took him a rose, I took with me a CD of music I would like played at the Crem. Dad waited outside with the Funeral Director. I have to say I lasted about 30 seconds before I had to remove myself from the room. Granddad looked at peace - like he had died easy. He looked smart in the outfit I had chosen for him. But he didn't look like my Granddad. He looked like used baggage that had been throw out; an empty shell. Granddad is really gone. His mouth was slack and I could see he was in makeup, and there was a certain smell in the room... anyway, I left - quickly. I had a bloody good cry - a proper sob in fact. Then we dropped Di home, and went for a good meal and had too much to drink.

Know what,

I feel much better now. I slept better, my headache is gone and I am looking forward to a lovely weekend away with LP.

It was an experience that I will never ever repeat again, but I am glad that I went. I dont think I will ever be able to shake the image of Granddad lying there, but it hasnt diminished the wonderful memories that I have of this great man who I loved dearly.

Mx

Dear Angela-la

The end of an era.

At 1.50 am last Tuesday morning Granddad finally gave up and shuffled off this mortal coil. To say I am devastated would be an understatement. I keep thinking of that poem used in Four Weddings - 'Stop all the clocks' the end says he was my north, south east and west and nothing now can ever come to any good. That is how I feel. Do you think it would be too tacky to read the poem at his funeral?

My Mum is nearing a nervous breakdown - Joan her older sister, and Vanessa her youngest daughter are doing their utmost to be malicious and cruel at a time when we should be supporting each other. I'm not quite sure how I am going to manage to get through 17th (day of the funeral) without killing someone! The funeral was supposed to be 12th July, but it had to be moved so that Vanessa could have cosmetic laser surgery on her eyes - she didnt try and cancel the appointment just demanded that the funeral be moved to suit her. And we get accused of being unreasonable because we refused!! Well, it got moved to 17th now and the vitrioloic e-mails are being flung back and forth. After Tuesday my mother doesnt have a sister, and I dont have an aunt.

As if this time werent already sad enough.

Mx

Nothing changes...

Dear Angela-la-la,

I rather like the feeling that there aint nobody here but us chickens. In fact I like it so much I shall write like this blog is just for you. I could rename it 'Letters to La-la'.

How is life for you now? Hope things are better post trial. I have to say I read your post trial entry and I was so moved. I just wanted to wrap you in my arms and tell you how amazing you are. You have been so very brave, and strong, and I really admire you. You go girl! don't get to read your blog often - but enjoy every entry (ooh er)!

Granddad is no better. He is sleeping more and more. He is still very poorly, but looks comfortable. He is in a rehab unit closer to home and much much nicer than your average hospital.

Mum and Dad's car has broken down now (it never rains but it pours) so Dad has my car and I am left to the mercies of public transport (and cadging lifts of willing friends). The suspension went ping and left the body sitting on the tires! Oops!

Things are good for LP and I apart from that. I managed not to assult Aunty Joan when she came to visit. I was even civil! Quite proud of myself.

My weight is yo-yoing a bit - I can't seem to get into the swing of my life style change. I lost 3lbs last week, but stayed the same this week. At least I didn't put any on! I still need to get myself moving more. I'm a bit of a lazt troll at the moment!

Love M

Same shit different day

Quick update!

Hello again FB!

Granddad is no better. Aunty Joan is no better (in fact she gets worse).

LP has had food poisoning and passed it on to me. Typical! I wonder if I'll lose 7lbs overnight? I suppose every cloud has a silver lining?

My weight is yo-yoing, but with everything that is going on, I suppose that's to be expected. I have managed to get some more exercise in the last couple of weeks so I feel a bit healthier. I'd still like to do more.

Gotta run.

Life and the Universe, and stuff

LP and I have been together one whole year now, 12 months, 365 days. It's quite bizarre thinking about where the year has gone, and life before LP. Life BLP was not so fun - I went out more, got drunk more, had more money, but I wasn't happy. Not in a meaningful and fulfilled way that I am now. It's not just regular sex, there is some connection between us that makes me feel that life is complete now. I don't mean that cheesy shit that we are two halves of one whole, but somehow being with LP completes something within me - switches something on...

Cheesy huh?

Granddad is no better - he is slightly more coherent, but is making no attempt a movement, or focusing, or generally getting better. He has baffled the doctors, which I think means that there is no reason for him being so ill - he's shutting down and making no efford to get himself right. I think it is just a matter of time now before he dies. I guess he has earned the right to give up if he wants to - he's nearly 93 and all his friends and his wife are dead. Nan and Granddad were married for 60 years - I think that is an amazing feat, and they adored each other. Her death really knocked him for 6, but we (well Mum) perservered and ensured that he didn't give up then. Do you think there is such a thing as living too long? Mum's sister, Joan, is being a complete nightmare at the moment - she is not being supportive at all to Mum and in fact almost accusing her of ballsing things up - if she was that bothered she could come up, get her hands dirty and help rather than swan off on weekends away. Mum has been at the hospital every night for over 2 weeks - joan has swanned up twice, and then only tagging on to other people. Mum has been doing these e-mail newsletters to the family about Granddad's progress, which has elicited a lot of support from the cousins - but the responses joan comes out with are just amazing - the language she uses indicates no real feeling, it's like she is acting for effect. It gets me very very angry.

I think that's enough of a rant for now - sorry to take it out on you!

Grandfather Update

Good news, Grandfather is back with us - he has been off in cloud cuckoo land for the last week, but last night he snapped back to life. Pretty amazing really. He had us all a bit worried there.

On a personal note, I have decided to join a slimming group, I'm not sure which one yet, and do something about this weight that I'm gaining. If I can increase my exercise as well then I should be able to shift the weight fairly quickly and tone up at the same time? I'm sure LP will like the new me. I'm a bit nervous about joining a slimming group on my own, but when needs must eh?

Rubbish blogger

Well, it would appear that I have been neglecting my faithful old blog. How evil of me. I guess I have been leaving it alone because I felt I had nothing to say - I look at the fantastic posts on Andre's blog, and the wit and wisdom of FB's blog and feel like my life isn't really up to blogging. I have been doing a lot of celebrating too - now that my friend is cancer free. I found that episode really difficult to deal with and it has put my life back into perspective. Well it had anyway. I am a lot more laid back with things now, and I appreciate the true value of my family and friends. I however, find that I am hating myself and what I am doing to my body. I have stopped exercising - because I can't be bothered and at the same time have increased my intake of junk food, which is leading to the inevitable weight gain. I have put on 15lbs in the year since me and LP got together. I looked at my body last night and felt like a lump of lard - I felt so unattractive it was horrific. LP assures me that I look fine and sexy and I am loved regardless - but it doesn't really help. I know that no one can do anything about it except me - am just unsure how to get myself out of this self destructive cycle and do something about it. There doesn't seem to be time to exercise, nor is there room in the house to be leaping about doing dvd's. I don't want to stop eating out - LP and I enjoy our meals out and LP deserves to be treated well. I feel... I don't really know how to articulate what I feel. I guess you could call it the blues (isn't that an Elton John song?). I don't think that I am clinically depressed...yet. If I carry on the way I am going then I wil be, and I don't want to turn to drugs for assistance with my moods. Somehow that seems like admitting weakness. I know it isn't but thats the way it feels. Things are not being helped by the fact that my Grandfather is currently in hospital. He is a very old man, but still physically and mentally fit and able. Well he was, until he fell over on Wednesday and ended up in hospital. As he was getting better he tried to get out of bed unassisted on Saturday and fell over again in hospital connecting with the hospital bed behind him and giving himself a nasty cut. I think some of his illness is concussion, but he doesn't seem to be coming out of it - so the family is in dissaray at the moment. I am trying to be strong to support my Mother - but at the same time trying to deal with seeing this man I love very much reduced to a shadow of himself. The Nursing staff and the Consultant seem to be very good though which is a relief. I don't know what we'd do if he was in a rubbish care environment. The hospital he is in does not have a good reputation for care - but so far Grandfather seems to be recieving excellent care. Mother did have one run in with a Nurse, but she was from another ward and was curt and unhelpful while my Mother tried to deal with her father pissing himself! Talk about unfriendly! Grandfather seems to be eating well, which is a good sign. The doctors are very concerned about him though, and in his current condition there is no way he would be able to care for himself at home as he has been doing. I am off visiting him tonight which I am dreading. I hate hopsitals at the best of times, but seeing my Grandfather there apparently deteriorating not recouperating just breaks my heart, which, selfishly I could really do without at the moment. It doesm't help that I am not sleeping properly at the moment. It is better when LP is with me, but I just lie awake listening to LP's steady breating. At least with LP in my arms it enables me to relax some, but I am not getting proper rest. I feel like a complete zombie. I haven't told LP all this - in fact I haven't talked about it to anyone. I know that bottling things up will only cause me more problems in the long run, but I don't know who to turn to. I know all this stuff is petty and pathetic compared to other peoples problems, but I really don't know what to do for the best. I think the first step for me should be doing something physical. Maybe this will affect me on a number of levels - tire me out for sleep, help with my weight gain and release some natural happy chemicals into my brain. I just need to get myself motivated. And stop making excuses, and stop procrastinating.
Hmmm