Holiday...celebrate...

Dear Angela-la!

Well, it sounds like your life has taken a well deserved turn for the better. I barely know you, but still am delighted that you have found a partner to care for you in the way you deserve - to make you feel that you are as special as you really are.

We are very lucky people.

Me and LP have that sort of relationship. We compliment each other; bring out the best in each other; and most of all we support each other. Both of us think that the other is the best thing in their lives. That's a pretty special partnership in my eyes.

Tomorrow we head off on holiday for a week. 7 nights in a caravan in Bangor. I cant wait. I have done caravan holidays before, LP hasn't so I am looking forward to introducing LP to the delights of the caravan holiday. Tonight we are going shopping for groceries, then we will pack and prepare for an early start in the morning. Fingers crossed for the weather please!!

I really feel that we all need this break so much. The last few months have been pretty horrendous emotionally. Mum and Dad are going away for 2 weeks when we come back, so we wont see each other for 3 weeks. I will miss them terribly but at the same time, I am aware that we all need the space to look after ourselves rather than each other for a change!!

Dad has got his job permanent, so at 62 he has been made redundant, and found a better, happier job within 6 months. I think that is really good going.

Mum and I went out with Granddad's warden and cleaner on Wednesday night. It was a really pleasant evening where we remembered Granddad, and Nan with laughter and smiles. I think it was a really useful healing exercise for Mum. She has recently started talking about Granddad again, which is good. She found a card from her last birthday (in January) and is now convinced, after reading the words, that he was aware that he was going to die this year. I think that is entirely possible. He was a very proud man who was very aware of the burden that Nan's illness placed on him and Mum and was determined that he was not going to become that sort of burden. And he wasnt. Mum just needs to stop feeling guilty about how relieved she is that he went peacfully and after a short illness. She does beat herself up sometimes!!

The new house is progressing well. All the surveys and searches are back fine, the mortgage is progressing well - we just need our vendors to get out now! All ideas on a postcard to...

I'm sure it will happen soon (just not soon enough!!)

I was told that I am too fat for life insurance! They want me to lose 5 stone before they will even consider me. I am going to write a stern letter of complaint to the company as it is discrimination! They didnt even bother to contact my doctor (who would tell them I am healthy and losing weight) or give me a medical themselves! Bloody rude. But the cover was not essential, so we are going without.

I refuse to worry about my weight while I'm on holiday!!

I supose I should go and do some work really.

See you when I get back. I'll send you a postcard.

Love Mx

A little less me

Dear Angela-la (even though you never stop by anymore :()

I lost 1 lb last week and 2 lb this week.

Am feeling very smug and pleased with myself.

Mx

Home Sweet Home

Dear Angela-la,

Me and the LP went house viewing yesterday - on what would have been my Granddad's 93rd Birthday. We got the mortgage agreement in principle on Saturday, so these were the first 4 houses we had viewed - and guess what...

We have just had an offer accepted on the first one we saw. The house is perfect in every way, doesn't need decoration (it does need a new bathroom suite - but not immediately!).

I'm so excited!

Love M

Funeral

Dear Angela-la,

Well, the funeral went as well as could be expected. The family were all there - and I seriously think that it is the last time I will be seeing some of them. I managed to bite my tongue even when my Cousin refused to kiss anyone because she was so delicate after her eye operation. My Dad was treated like a leper - but everyone was supportive of Mum, who was a complete vegetable. I managed to do my reading and was very proud of myself. I said a few personal words and read WH Auden 'Stop all the clocks'. It was really a very good send off for a wonderful man.

Life is slowly getting back to normal now, the usual routine prevails. My work have been very supportive of the time I needed off - well I thought they had. My line manager has been fantastic, but her line manager has reprimanded her for being too generous. Not good. Hey ho, whats done is done.

I'm off to watch the Simpsons Movie tonight.

Today my thoughts are mainly with people getting all biblical and building arks in preparation for the unseasonal weather.

Mx

Waking the Dead

Dear Angela-la

I went to the Chapel of Rest last night to see Granddad. The Funeral Directors we are using are old family friends, which is nice. I don't know why I needed to see Granddad this way, but I think it has to do with putting things back into perspective, making sure he was at peace, and, well, just seeing a dead body for the first time. I read a lot and read about death, how it affects these fictional characters all the time - but I have not had to deal with a lot of death myself (fortunately). So, Mum, Dad, Diane and Me piled into the car to give Granddad his final visit before the funeral. Mum took him a rose, I took with me a CD of music I would like played at the Crem. Dad waited outside with the Funeral Director. I have to say I lasted about 30 seconds before I had to remove myself from the room. Granddad looked at peace - like he had died easy. He looked smart in the outfit I had chosen for him. But he didn't look like my Granddad. He looked like used baggage that had been throw out; an empty shell. Granddad is really gone. His mouth was slack and I could see he was in makeup, and there was a certain smell in the room... anyway, I left - quickly. I had a bloody good cry - a proper sob in fact. Then we dropped Di home, and went for a good meal and had too much to drink.

Know what,

I feel much better now. I slept better, my headache is gone and I am looking forward to a lovely weekend away with LP.

It was an experience that I will never ever repeat again, but I am glad that I went. I dont think I will ever be able to shake the image of Granddad lying there, but it hasnt diminished the wonderful memories that I have of this great man who I loved dearly.

Mx

Dear Angela-la

The end of an era.

At 1.50 am last Tuesday morning Granddad finally gave up and shuffled off this mortal coil. To say I am devastated would be an understatement. I keep thinking of that poem used in Four Weddings - 'Stop all the clocks' the end says he was my north, south east and west and nothing now can ever come to any good. That is how I feel. Do you think it would be too tacky to read the poem at his funeral?

My Mum is nearing a nervous breakdown - Joan her older sister, and Vanessa her youngest daughter are doing their utmost to be malicious and cruel at a time when we should be supporting each other. I'm not quite sure how I am going to manage to get through 17th (day of the funeral) without killing someone! The funeral was supposed to be 12th July, but it had to be moved so that Vanessa could have cosmetic laser surgery on her eyes - she didnt try and cancel the appointment just demanded that the funeral be moved to suit her. And we get accused of being unreasonable because we refused!! Well, it got moved to 17th now and the vitrioloic e-mails are being flung back and forth. After Tuesday my mother doesnt have a sister, and I dont have an aunt.

As if this time werent already sad enough.

Mx

Nothing changes...

Dear Angela-la-la,

I rather like the feeling that there aint nobody here but us chickens. In fact I like it so much I shall write like this blog is just for you. I could rename it 'Letters to La-la'.

How is life for you now? Hope things are better post trial. I have to say I read your post trial entry and I was so moved. I just wanted to wrap you in my arms and tell you how amazing you are. You have been so very brave, and strong, and I really admire you. You go girl! don't get to read your blog often - but enjoy every entry (ooh er)!

Granddad is no better. He is sleeping more and more. He is still very poorly, but looks comfortable. He is in a rehab unit closer to home and much much nicer than your average hospital.

Mum and Dad's car has broken down now (it never rains but it pours) so Dad has my car and I am left to the mercies of public transport (and cadging lifts of willing friends). The suspension went ping and left the body sitting on the tires! Oops!

Things are good for LP and I apart from that. I managed not to assult Aunty Joan when she came to visit. I was even civil! Quite proud of myself.

My weight is yo-yoing a bit - I can't seem to get into the swing of my life style change. I lost 3lbs last week, but stayed the same this week. At least I didn't put any on! I still need to get myself moving more. I'm a bit of a lazt troll at the moment!

Love M

Same shit different day

Quick update!

Hello again FB!

Granddad is no better. Aunty Joan is no better (in fact she gets worse).

LP has had food poisoning and passed it on to me. Typical! I wonder if I'll lose 7lbs overnight? I suppose every cloud has a silver lining?

My weight is yo-yoing, but with everything that is going on, I suppose that's to be expected. I have managed to get some more exercise in the last couple of weeks so I feel a bit healthier. I'd still like to do more.

Gotta run.

Life and the Universe, and stuff

LP and I have been together one whole year now, 12 months, 365 days. It's quite bizarre thinking about where the year has gone, and life before LP. Life BLP was not so fun - I went out more, got drunk more, had more money, but I wasn't happy. Not in a meaningful and fulfilled way that I am now. It's not just regular sex, there is some connection between us that makes me feel that life is complete now. I don't mean that cheesy shit that we are two halves of one whole, but somehow being with LP completes something within me - switches something on...

Cheesy huh?

Granddad is no better - he is slightly more coherent, but is making no attempt a movement, or focusing, or generally getting better. He has baffled the doctors, which I think means that there is no reason for him being so ill - he's shutting down and making no efford to get himself right. I think it is just a matter of time now before he dies. I guess he has earned the right to give up if he wants to - he's nearly 93 and all his friends and his wife are dead. Nan and Granddad were married for 60 years - I think that is an amazing feat, and they adored each other. Her death really knocked him for 6, but we (well Mum) perservered and ensured that he didn't give up then. Do you think there is such a thing as living too long? Mum's sister, Joan, is being a complete nightmare at the moment - she is not being supportive at all to Mum and in fact almost accusing her of ballsing things up - if she was that bothered she could come up, get her hands dirty and help rather than swan off on weekends away. Mum has been at the hospital every night for over 2 weeks - joan has swanned up twice, and then only tagging on to other people. Mum has been doing these e-mail newsletters to the family about Granddad's progress, which has elicited a lot of support from the cousins - but the responses joan comes out with are just amazing - the language she uses indicates no real feeling, it's like she is acting for effect. It gets me very very angry.

I think that's enough of a rant for now - sorry to take it out on you!

Grandfather Update

Good news, Grandfather is back with us - he has been off in cloud cuckoo land for the last week, but last night he snapped back to life. Pretty amazing really. He had us all a bit worried there.

On a personal note, I have decided to join a slimming group, I'm not sure which one yet, and do something about this weight that I'm gaining. If I can increase my exercise as well then I should be able to shift the weight fairly quickly and tone up at the same time? I'm sure LP will like the new me. I'm a bit nervous about joining a slimming group on my own, but when needs must eh?

Rubbish blogger

Well, it would appear that I have been neglecting my faithful old blog. How evil of me. I guess I have been leaving it alone because I felt I had nothing to say - I look at the fantastic posts on Andre's blog, and the wit and wisdom of FB's blog and feel like my life isn't really up to blogging. I have been doing a lot of celebrating too - now that my friend is cancer free. I found that episode really difficult to deal with and it has put my life back into perspective. Well it had anyway. I am a lot more laid back with things now, and I appreciate the true value of my family and friends. I however, find that I am hating myself and what I am doing to my body. I have stopped exercising - because I can't be bothered and at the same time have increased my intake of junk food, which is leading to the inevitable weight gain. I have put on 15lbs in the year since me and LP got together. I looked at my body last night and felt like a lump of lard - I felt so unattractive it was horrific. LP assures me that I look fine and sexy and I am loved regardless - but it doesn't really help. I know that no one can do anything about it except me - am just unsure how to get myself out of this self destructive cycle and do something about it. There doesn't seem to be time to exercise, nor is there room in the house to be leaping about doing dvd's. I don't want to stop eating out - LP and I enjoy our meals out and LP deserves to be treated well. I feel... I don't really know how to articulate what I feel. I guess you could call it the blues (isn't that an Elton John song?). I don't think that I am clinically depressed...yet. If I carry on the way I am going then I wil be, and I don't want to turn to drugs for assistance with my moods. Somehow that seems like admitting weakness. I know it isn't but thats the way it feels. Things are not being helped by the fact that my Grandfather is currently in hospital. He is a very old man, but still physically and mentally fit and able. Well he was, until he fell over on Wednesday and ended up in hospital. As he was getting better he tried to get out of bed unassisted on Saturday and fell over again in hospital connecting with the hospital bed behind him and giving himself a nasty cut. I think some of his illness is concussion, but he doesn't seem to be coming out of it - so the family is in dissaray at the moment. I am trying to be strong to support my Mother - but at the same time trying to deal with seeing this man I love very much reduced to a shadow of himself. The Nursing staff and the Consultant seem to be very good though which is a relief. I don't know what we'd do if he was in a rubbish care environment. The hospital he is in does not have a good reputation for care - but so far Grandfather seems to be recieving excellent care. Mother did have one run in with a Nurse, but she was from another ward and was curt and unhelpful while my Mother tried to deal with her father pissing himself! Talk about unfriendly! Grandfather seems to be eating well, which is a good sign. The doctors are very concerned about him though, and in his current condition there is no way he would be able to care for himself at home as he has been doing. I am off visiting him tonight which I am dreading. I hate hopsitals at the best of times, but seeing my Grandfather there apparently deteriorating not recouperating just breaks my heart, which, selfishly I could really do without at the moment. It doesm't help that I am not sleeping properly at the moment. It is better when LP is with me, but I just lie awake listening to LP's steady breating. At least with LP in my arms it enables me to relax some, but I am not getting proper rest. I feel like a complete zombie. I haven't told LP all this - in fact I haven't talked about it to anyone. I know that bottling things up will only cause me more problems in the long run, but I don't know who to turn to. I know all this stuff is petty and pathetic compared to other peoples problems, but I really don't know what to do for the best. I think the first step for me should be doing something physical. Maybe this will affect me on a number of levels - tire me out for sleep, help with my weight gain and release some natural happy chemicals into my brain. I just need to get myself motivated. And stop making excuses, and stop procrastinating.
Hmmm

Further update...

Friend is out of hospital - doing well and now cancer free. The results of her biopsies show that they got it all with the evil tumour.

Once she is off her pain killers, we are off for a LARGE night of celebration.

The relief that I feel is colossal. So, I'm sure that words cannot describe the elation of her mother, father and fiance.

Alls well that ends well?

Updates

I have finished Eat, Shoots & Leaves - a good read if you like the English Language. I have just started The Ode Less Travelled by Stephen Fry, so I may publish some of my exercises (oh yes, it is an interactive book!) here; as long as they are not too dire.

My friend has had her op, and made it through. It sounds like she had a pretty horrific time of it; the op was longer than the last one and more invasive. As well as the biopsies, they have removed her appendix and flushed round her bowel which involved removing it and putting it back! Eugh!! When I spoke to her Mum last night she was still pretty groggy (my friend, not her Mum) and a bit peeved that they have put a drain in - but coping well. She needs to be in for 5 days so I will be pootling off to see her on Saturday. I could go tomorrow, but feel it is better to wait and take LP with me. Just to save misunderstandings.

That's all for now folks.

Friendship

Well,
My friend goes under the knife, again, today. I can't help sitting here thinking about her; worrying about how she is getting on. I will call her folks later to see how the surgery went. She is being biopsied and investigated to see if the cancer has spread. I don't seem to be able to concentrate very much on work. Funny eh?

On a lighter note, I am reading Eats, Shoots & Leaves at the moment - what a good book! I have never been so aware of my punctuation. I feel the need to start a punctuation revolution. I'm one of those old-fasioned types who hates text speak and un-necessary abbreviation. So let's all embrace grammatically correct punctuation, and keep our English flowing.

Happy Easter

Hope you have a wonderful chocolate filled time.

Although I was at work today, my Easter break started anyway - LP and I had a lie in, not a long one but enough for me to feel lazy and relaxed and happy. Waking up pressed into all the curves on LP's body will do that to me every time, but with an extra 30 minutes to come round naturally it was even better. LP has the most fantastic body and we fit together, like we were made for each other in fact. The morning had none of the usual hustle and bustle, it was slow paced and filled with fun and laughter. The perfect start to the day.

Add that to the fact that today was a jeans at work day and I hardly felt like I was at work at all.

Ramblings

Hello neglected blog!

I am still well - I have even managed to shift a couple of pounds. The cold left me feeling unfit, lethargic and unhealthy. So I have been not eating crap and doing more walking. I have also been laying off the alcohol (unlike my fellow bloggers on their BNO - see FB for more details! It sounds like an excellent time was had by all!).

I did go to the Karaoke on Friday and managed to squawk my way through one number - LP had never seen me strut my stuff on a karaoke so after lubricating myself thoroughly I got up there and croaked my way through an old favourite. It was a good karaoke and a good night, but the establishment left a lot to be desired, and the music was VERY loud and any conversation was impossible. LP and I were sitting close together (as normal) and we had to yell at each other to find out what drinks we were having! That makes me sound very old, but I like to be able to chat with the people I'm out with!! Anyway - a good night was had, but I am not sure whether we will be going back there...

Saturday after LP finished work we went for a walk, fed the ducks, found a quiet pub with good food, ate well and walked home. How good are we!

Sunday was visiting family in London, but we fitted in a walk after lunch with more ducks and some of the clearest water I have seen for a long time - I was quite surprised given we were in London!

Aparently Monday was the happiest day of the year because no one had a Monday feeling due to the 2 short weeks. So, how you all had a good day.

The rest of my week has been pretty standard - the drive to work has been greatly enhanced by the fact the kids are off school so the yummy mummy's incapable of handling their vehicle are off the roads. My journey time has halved - so I have been getting into work early and leaving early. Bliss.

My Friend with Cancer is in for her exploratory op next Tuesday so I will be seeing her over the weekend sometime - I have indulged in a bit of spending and bought her an easter egg. Thought it might cheer her up a bit. Her partner is home for the next 3 weeks so that should be a big help. Bless her, she is worried about him seeing her at her least attractive after the op - I told her not to worry and she would still be as beautiful. She never believes me though!

Quick congratulations for FB who has had a bit of well deserved good news. She has been through some shit, but there is a bit of relief. Hope all continues to go well.

Quiet Night

Well,

The cold is pretty much better - but I am still strugging with my voice. I am off out to a karaoke tonight and about all I'll be able to manage is some Janice Joplin - my voice sounds nothing like me just some cross between something on a 0898 line and a croak. Very odd. So silence will indeed be golden tonight as I will not be able to regale the pub with my usual dulcet tones. How awful.

Other than that, things are good really. LP and I are getting along really well which is always a bonus. We are indulging in LP's hobby quite heavily at the moment, and I am being the helpful and dutiful partner going where ever is required and not moaning so that is helping keep things sweet.

Looking forward to a fun weekend - hope you are too.

I've dot a dit of a dold...

Don't get too close, I am unclean. I have the lurgie - feeling like rubbish! Actually, I am feeling better today. Thursday and Friday were the worst.

I still went out Friday. We (LP and I) were taking my friend of the last post - lets call her Bambi and her boyf to another friends house for beer, pizza and sympathy. I was feeling totally rubbish so decided to self medicate with JD, which seemed to do the trick and perk me up. It was a really good evening with Bambi free to chat about what ails her in good supportive intelligent company. Her man did not let her out of his gaze for a second, which is good to know. I am glad she is in good hands. She was a tower of strength and there were no tears or tantrums - just a chilled out night with plenty of laughs. Just what the doctor ordered all round I think. Bambi's appointment is on 10th April - I just hope and pray that it'll be good news; the cancer was in situ and is all gone now. Fingers crossed please.

This was a silent post as I still don't have much of a voice after the cold. Lucky LP eh?

Mind full of shit

My friend, a good good friend who has helped me through a lot of bad bad shit is having a nightmare time at the moment. She has been trying to lose weight via weight watchers and has been really unsuccessful, despite being well behaved in terms of her eating. She had this really quite large stomach that looked like she was pregnant - in fact many people used to ask her about it when we were out in the pub much to her embarrasment, and my annoyance! Anyway, her stomach went hard and after a negative pregnancy test she went off to her doctors who whisked her into hospital. A tumour of massive proportions was diagnosed and has subsequently been removed. The tumour weighed 8lbs and was attached to her ovary. She came to see me last night while LP was out. She has been for her results and the tumour was malignant! She's got to go back and be opened up for removal of her appendix and biopsy of her large bowel and other ovary. Needless to say she is absolutly shitting herself and in a bit of a mess. I just dont know what I can do for her. Of course I will be there for her no matter what. I just feel so useless. I can't help her, other than with the usual worthless platitudes. I am also not sure how LP will deal with me spending time with her. LP's mother died of breast cancer so the whole big C thing creates a wrath of bad memories that are already near to the surface following mothers day. Why oh why does awful shit like this happen to good, gorgeous, wonderful people? It just doesn't seem fair. She is supposed to be getting married next year - the arrangements have already started. Her fiance is being as supportive as he can be, but he is in the army - they are letting him come home as often as he can, but it's not the same as him being there all the time - and I can only be there occasioanlly. One of her 'friends' has disappeared off the planet since the tumour was discovered - I don't understand how people can be so cowardly.

I just don't understand much at the moment.

If I feel this devastated, I can only begin to imagine what her and her family are going through.

Funny Friday

Happy comic relief people! I hope you are all sat there in your red noses doing something idiotic? I have put myself out for the cause and entered the sweepstake and eaten cake like it is going out of fashion - oh the sacrifice!

I have decided to go swimming tonight, it is time to get active again. For too long I have been resting on my laurels. Although LP does seem to like my wobbly bits, I am not so keen. I also need to do something about be feeling like a 'bloody great wuss' (thanks FB) following my fainting episode! Lol!

Out for a few beers tomorrow night (it is St Patricks after all) then for a meal with the woman whose fault it is on Sunday. Busy weekend!